Wedding Season is in high gear and you know what that means, yet another opportunity to offend people! (Much like the above Wedding Uggs. Blech.) For the most part, I’d like to think that offending people isn’t done on-purpose, but without curling up to Emily Post, aren’t some things just common sense??
Example #1: Many years ago, I had recently developed a new friendship with a newly-engaged couple who invited me to their Engagement Party…in Montreal. We had a whole bunch of friends in-common who they also invited, so a bunch of us piled into a car for the 6-hour road trip/Engagement Party.
Faux-pas? I was never invited to the actual wedding. 🙁 Fix? Be intentional with your invite list. Don’t invite people to one event and exclude them to another.
Example #2: I’ve been invited to a couple of nuptials where, “Couple requests cash-only” appears on the invite. <– Major faux-pas in my eyes! You & your future spouse might be settled in because you’ve been living with each other for a while and currently need cash to make the mortgage payment, but how utterly tacky is it to mention “cash-only” on an INVITE??!! Not only is it tacky, but it just leaves a terrible impression on your guests. 🙁
Example #3: Recently, I received an invite, in the mail, in which my name only appeared on the envelope. My bf’s name had been excluded. (The Bride is a high school friend of mine and we have the same circle of friends who see each other a handful of times a year.) Anyway, upon urging of a friend-in-common, I emailed the Bride to ask her whether or not I could bring my partner…of 6 years.
Bride responded, “Yes of course he’s invited! My fiancé was in a mad rush getting the invites out and forgot to put partners’ names on the envelopes, so tons of people have been emailing me!”
Fix? We all get busy, but it’s your special day. Invites are important and shouldn’t be an afterthought. So the more Type-A one should be like Santa Claus, making the list and checking it twice…thrice even!
Example #4: Same wedding as #3. One of our friends-in-common never received an invite. So I’m not sure if this was done on-purpose OR if it the invite was overlooked in the fiancé’s hastiness.
Fix? In my response to the Bride, I also mentioned, “Hey, so-and-so hasn’t received her invite. Not sure if she wasn’t invited, so I just wanted to let you know!”. Hopefully, that’ll resolve the issue and there won’t be any hurt feelings.
Maybe I’m just weird to be miffed about these details and not affected by others, re: evite invitations. Sure, they scream cheap, non-traditional, but honestly, those expensive pieces of paper containing crucial info for that one-night goes directly into the garbage pail after the whole ordeal is over anyway!
As with any major event that includes endless amount of details, SOMETHING is bound to be overlooked. However, if as the planner, you try not to cut corners especially where the invitations are concerned, hopefully you’ll manage to avoid offending people, on-purpose or not!
Cash only on invite doesn’t sound good but how about phrasing it differently like what other website suggest?
I think you gotta be open as a guest as well that the couple doesn’t want stuff they don’t wana use.
If you don’t mention that you have a registry, I think it’s a pretty safe assumption that you want cash! You don’t hafta spell. it. out.
A friend and I have many friends-in-common. Whenever we’re both attending a wedding, I always ask how much she is giving the bride and groom (maybe tacky to ask, but I digress). She always replies that she gives people the same amount that they gave her for her wedding (5 years ago). Not knowing what people gave, this might be inappropriate. Her wedding was 5 years ago and she had a back yard wedding, so costs were likely lower. I know that you’re not supposed to base your $ gift on the cost of the wedding, but she should think about how much it might be costing people now. Also, we were all students back then and didnt have as much to spare.
I find it funny that you’re talking about faux-pas when I find a few of your fixes appalling! Maybe she doesn’t like your partner and doesn’t want him at her wedding – maybe it’s quite small and intimate – calling her puts her in the position of having to be polite and make up an excuse. Same story with not inviting your mutual friend… for all you know, it was intentional. I suppose you have more ground to stand on with regards to your partner – but not your friend! It’s her job to reach out to the bride or not, getting yourself involved once again results in the bride having to be polite.
Actually – for a story to prove my point – my boyfriend was a groomsman in a wedding two summers ago. The groom had cheated on his now-wife with a mutual friend of my boyfriend and the groom (they all went to high school together) – we’ll call her X. She (obviously) wasn’t invited. At a dinner together, another friend of theirs (also from high school) mentioned that X’s invitation must have gotten lost, because his came two weeks ago and they live in the same neighbourhood. Myself, my boyfriend, the groom and bride were the only people at the table who knew about the affair (long over and resolved, btw), but he was forced to apologize and say he’d bring one by her work, all because their friend meddled when it wasn’t. His. Flipping. Business. Then the bride and groom had to deal with having her at the wedding, to keep from causing further disharmony within their circle of friends. The bride hasn’t said as much, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it put a huge damper on her wedding…
Also, going off recent trends… it’s really not rude to just ask for cash. You might offend some of the older generation, but it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to do now… five of the last six weddings I’ve been to have requested cash only. Only one of these couples had been living together before their marriage. Frankly, I’m relieved when I see that they just want cash. If there wasn’t a registry listed, I’d spend time hunting it down – many people seem to think it’s tackier to have a URL or list of registry places on your invitation than it is to just say you aren’t registered and want cash.
How ’bout a Thursday evening wedding? Where I have to take at least half a day off, drive an hour to get there and an hour to go home, and then go to work the next day. I’m pretty sure the couple did not consider that people work when choosing the date!
my biggest peeve is a cash bar. if you can’t afford to provide food & drink, make the wedding smaller or elope.
The real “fix” to everything is for the couple to realize the wedding day really isn’t about themselves. We say it is all about the couple, but if that is true, no one needs to be there.
All of your listed problems can be fix if they aren’t so focus on themselves. It is essentially a party for a group of their friends and family, in which their union is the theme. You are asking 100+ people to spend 5-10 hours of their time for you, the least you can do is to make it easy for them.
I actually like cash-only. I’m going to England for a wedding this weekend, I was so glad that they asked for “contribution to the honeymoon fund”. The elegant way to administer your wedding extortion in cash is to set up a wedding website with the link to your Paypal account. Also, you can register at The Bay with few gifts and lots of gift cards. It is a lot more useful and they never expire.
I think the worst part about weddings is that the bride got so used to being the centre of attention and getting away with tantrum for a year or more. She gets a withdraw for attention when the honeymoon is over, and continue with tantrum. They usually don’t get back to normal until 2 years later.
I agree having the word cash only on the invite doesn’t sound too good, but whatever the case maybe whether “the bride need money to pay for mortgage or to pay for the wedding spending” does it really matter? as a friend’s you are there to help and support her. If she forgotten to add your partner on the invitation, then why not just go by yourself? That way you don’t need to pay extra cash. Don’t tell me if you go to someone wedding and you only want to folk out 60 buck or 1bill for 2 invite when you know they held the wedding at a banquet hall?
if you are not that close or dislike her that much maybe you and your boyfriend shouldn’t go. Why call someone and try to make a big fuss out of it and getting yourself pisst..
my favourite is the “destination” wedding. When we told our nephew we could not afford to fly and stay at the 5 star location they chose in response to a “evite” we never did receive an actual invitation to the wedding. Are we entitled to skip the present now? perhaps, but won’t.
Wow, judgemental much? You act as if things have to be correct in your eyes
Most people don’t like giving cash as a gift. if it’s specifically asked for up front, it’s a lot less awkward (& if you’re going to buy a gift anyway, what’s the big deal)
Your posts really rub me the wrong way. I don’t think you’re the person who should be talking about ‘tacky’ when all you ever do is post off topic stuff on a deals site. Why don’t you start your own blog (oh, right, because no one would bother reading it unless they were forced to see it somewhere else)
I’m getting married in July, and I kind of disagree with the fact that you’re calling these things faux-pas. My fiance just had his bachelor party and invited out some guys that weren’t invited to the wedding, and I think that’s fine. There’s only enough room at the wedding/reception for so many people, but there are people that don’t make the cut that we still like to party with!
How about Jack & Jills? Which apparently are held to pay for your wedding. You invite a bunch of people – who may or may not be invited to the wedding. Guests are expected to buy tickets to get in, play money games, buy drinks, there may even be ‘auctions’, with proceeds going to the bride & groom. May I suggest if you can’t afford to pay for your wedding, then perhaps you should elope. HUGE Faux-pas!
Karen – did you ever stop to consider that not everyone has weekends off? Maybe thursday was the day that worked best for them, maybe the date had a special significance. Or were they supposed to wait a few more years, until that date lined up with a day that was better for your schedule?
Marta – Food, yes. Alcohol? No. I don’t drink, & I don’t think people should have to drink to have a good time. If you feel the need to, then I’m not going to be the one paying for it.
I recently got married and every time a guest contacted me and asked if they could bring someone who WASN’T on the invite made me cringe. Each additional guest increases your total amount spent and in the end I think I had $1000 worth of guests who I didn’t know or want there!
Can we get this chick to stop writing her opinion! Most of what she rights is offensive. TO EACH HIS OWN!!! Who cares what some self indulged person has to say about other people”s wedding choices.
Are you Boo’s GF or something? I don”t understand why you are allowed to write for Smartcanucks? Your opinion doesn”t matter to anyone but yourself!
asking for $ in invite = lame, dislike
being invited to wedding without your partner – actually very common occurrence.. it saves couples from having to deal with a couple bringing their gazillion kids as well (happened to a friend, invited 1 couple, 5 ppl showed up)
now, back on the topic of rude people in THIS topic – don’t let the door hit you in the face..
why are people still crying about Stephania’s posts? we discuss it every single time! honestly, you’re more annoying than Stephania ever will be :@
I’m Italian … “cash only” is expected for us for weddings so it’s not a faux-pas to put “monetary gifts appreciated” on an invte for us.
I recently got a wedding invite that said “Mr. Steve Lastname + guest”. Um … they know Steve has a WIFE he’s been married to for 5 years. Couldn’t have done “Mr. and Mrs. Steve Lastname” instead?
You have no business contacting the bride, the groom or the wedding planner to ask about your “missing” invitation. You were most likely left out on purpose! It may or may not have been personal…just because you know them does not guarantee an invite! If you choose to take that personally and end your relationship with the couple as a result, so be it. You couldn’t have been THAT close in the first place if you were left out! If it was an error, you can expect to receive a heartfelt apology next time you see them. If you don’t get one, then suck it up and move on.
I have read that mentioning gifts (including registries) at all in the invitation is in poor taste. The thinking here is that the guests are invited to attend the union of the bride and groom because the happy couple wants to share their joy with them, and gifts should not be mandatory (although who doesn’t bring a gift?). The guests are apparently to find out about any registries through a parent of the bride or groom, or a member of the party.
Marta h, I disagree about the cash bar. Absolutely, NON-alcoholic drinks should be provided free-of-charge, but providing alcoholic drinks is at the discretion of the bride and groom. I wouldn’t want to have a pile of inebriated guests at my wedding making themselves look foolish at my expense, nor do I want to enable a friend/relative who has a history of alcoholism.
Why in the heck are you even whining about things that offended you from years past on a coupon based website?! Totally inappropriate and reflects badly on Smart Canucks. I’m finding more of these random musings posted lately and it leaves me wondering, who is running this gong show?!!
Sorry Smart Canucks but you’ve lost all cred. with me.
Funny how I just left a message about how immature and petty it was to be whining about perceived personal slights from years past on a coupon based web site; now it’s gone!
I think it reflects badly on Smart Canucks as a whole and makes me wonder who is hiring these folks and running this site? It’s lost all cred. with me, not in the least impressed.
To each their own for sure, but why complain about personal issues here?! Start your own negative, whiny, immature blog elsewhere!
I once got a save the date card from a close friend for her wedding, but I never received a wedding invitation from her. I was a little hurt and confused by it. We were close enough that she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don’t know why I was sent a save the date but not a wedding invitation. I never asked, I just didn’t attend the wedding as I wasn’t invited and sent her a congrats card as she is a friend.
Firstly…I want to say THANK you for the blog…I liked it. Now to the poster’s who keep insulting the blog, the blogger’s personal opinion & making rude comments about this content not belonging here…PLEASE, you can’t even post your real user name as if to say you are embarrassed by your own comments. Grow up — obviously there are many people to read these blogs & I believe you are just trying to get your 15 seconds of fame.
In regards to faux-pas….One of my past co-worker (and close friend when we worked together) recently got engaged & had a 200 ppl engagement party. Not only was I not invited, she emails me pictures of her event to pass along to her old (my current) workplace. Now, she is the same person who was at my shower, wedding and baby shower but I didn’t make the 200 plus guestlist cut. I know she’s getting married in 3 months but I am not holding my breath for anything other than an email full of pictures from her big day.
Just to clarify that NO ONE at Smart Canucks deletes comments – with the exception of spam. They just take some time to be posted and don’t automatically show up once you press “Submit”.
Again, Smart Canucks has always had off-topic posts, so they’re not new. They’re my opinions and do not reflect those of the website. They’re meant to generate interest and discussion.
Not sure why the majority of commenters on here are taken some posts PERSONALLY. So whether you dis/agree, that’s fine with me!
I can’t believe the hate that is directed at you for giving your opinion Stephania. Clearly you have very thick skin.
I have no idea why people are attacking Stephania’s posts. They’re editorials, and more interesting than most of the other blog posts. It’s okay if you don’t agree, but it always seems like some people have a personal vendetta against her. I imagine that if these attacks on Stephania were happening on the rest of the site, the attackers would be quickly banned.
I enjoy reading your posts, Stephania!
Indicating “cash only” on an invite? How tacky!!! That kind of person wouldn’t be in my circle anyway.
The cash bar — YOU are the host, serve the caviar and champagne. Do not ask your guests to pay for their own food and drinks. TACKY.
Destination weddings — I didn’t know people choose to get married overseas and expect their guests to pay for the airfare and hotel? How utterly self-entitled! TACKY.
The ones who are offended by Stephania’s posts are miserable vermin. They are probably guilty of the things that Stephania mentioned. If you cant afford a big wedding, opt for a smaller, more practical wedding. YOU are not special. TACKY!!!
I agree I hate seeing cash only on invites.
I don’t mind people having destination weddings, they just need to be able to deal with that someone can’t come, or else if it is that important for the person to be there they need to be prepared to pay to get them there.
Two of my pet peeves:
Bride and Groom expecting way too much from friends; friends got married a few years ago, who did squat, and then complained about the end results. Didn’t like the decorations, that they left to someone else to pay for and figure out. Upset about the cars they had to use, didn’t think about it till the morning of. Nothing was good enough, but despite being engaged 3 years, they only started doing anything 6 weeks ahead, and told people to just do whatever. They also asked people to help who were not invited.
The other is weddings starting late, 15 min sure, 45 min just doesn’t seem acceptable.
Just out of curiosity, how much does an average person give as a cash wedding gift? How much do you give?
I agree with the fact that the cash only this should be left off the invite, any mention of gifts at all seems a bit tacky. I had a Destination Wedding so I don’t really feel that it is too bad a thing to do, not everyone wants to pay $10 000+ just to get married in the city. We planned a trip to Vegas along with a planned outdoor ceremony and reception and it was beautiful and relaxed. I did although ask all my immediate family about it before hand if they would be able to and I actually had Hawaii nixed off my list due to airfare so we decided on Vegas because it was accessable and fun. I also did not expect friends or co-workers to attend, there were however told they were mor ethen welcome to join.
to the original post: you deserve to never been invited to a wedding…judgmental much?, i think you completely missed the point of a wedding and you’re focusing exclusively in banal and materialistic details that are completely unimportant…there is always a reason for any decision, so stop whining, be grateful they even invited you to the engagement party, ungrateful B****
Mandy you have just lost all CRED with me
If only your name is on the invite only you are invited – don’t ask and don’t ask or mention if so and so hasnt gotten their invite yet.
Evite invitations are tacky – especially when you can get simple beautiful ones everywhere for less tan a dollar each.
Cash as gifts should be the norm even if you are not old hands at cohabitation. No one wants an appliance, towels or bedding. Unfortunately some people still feel the need to give annoying housewares presents so stating you want cash “presentation preferred” is necessary and full acceptable.
Cash bars are not cool, especially if it is a twonie bar. I would rather pay full pried drinks than a twonie bar. And if you need a bit of money with make people drink responsibly get better friends!
If you are a grown up make sure you can afford your wedding including food and drink and proper invitations.
Of and fir god sakes if you are a guest do not wear black or white unless it has been called for.
I love your posts Stephania!! I do question the intelligence level of those who find your posts offensive and YET keep making it a point to read them.
One thing to think about re: invitations, would YOU like to be invited to a wedding and have your significant other not be welcome? If you invite one then plan on having their guest attend. No one likes to attend social functions alone. That annoys the heck out of me, I understand the money issue but in this case, suck it up.
Im currently going to be in a wedding and my biggest pet peeve with it is the bridesmaid dress I had to buy cost almost 3 times as much as the brides wedding gown! She found her dress at a thrift store, but made us bridesmaids go to a bridal shop and buy a $300 dress, not to mention the cost of alterations since they all seem to come extra long to accomidate more people. Oh and the shoes, and she wants us to all get our hair done. And the kicker, the maid of honor didnt go to the bridal store and is now going to be wearing a $30 dress! When we all were forced to buy the other.
re: examplet #4 friend not getting invited tacky? how is someone not getting invited tacky? it’s the bride and groom’s wedding and they are allowed to decide who comes and who does not, we as guests/non guests have to respect that….
the only thing that was tacky was you contacting them about someone else’s “missed” invite…
I don’t see anything wrong with this blog.
It’s an opinion and as a newlywed who recently got married I avoided most of these issues that were addressed.
First,
I didn’t invite anyone even to the smallest wedding event unless I was 100% sure they would be invited to the wedding. I think people are forgetting how hurtful it is to be included for certain small things and not for the major event – the wedding! And it also just sounds like you are being used for gifts when you are not invited to the wedding.
I do think asking for cash on an invitation is tacky but in certain cultures and circles, it’s not! For my family and my husband’s family that would have been offensive. But in our cultures, cash is always given at weddings. There are many times when I have been to a wedding and looked at a table with big horrible wrapped presents on it. In this day and age, if you want to request monetary gifts only then there is nothing wrong with that. But just word it appropriately. I think most people would get the hint if you actually didn’t put anything about gifts on the invitation. Unless they are just brain dead and think that bringing a toaster to a wedding reception is a nice gift.
I have been invited to a wedding by a family member and they didn’t have my husband (who was my fiancé on the invitation) That is very rude. But I did reply that 2 would attend on the RSVP card.
To avoid this, when I got married, I simply asked ” How many out of 2 will attend.” (example if 2 people were invited)
I also was asked if certain people were invited to my wedding who were not. I wasn’t offended to answer why a certain couple who are friends with my sister were not invited to my wedding. I wouldn’t invite them to a bbq at my house so why would anyone assume they would be inited to my wedding? Not everything has to be answered impolitely and not all answers are offensive. Honesty will avoid all that. And sorry, but no one could even try to hint to me to invite someone who was purposely invited.
Some else mentioned they were invited to a weeding on a Thursday. I got married on a friday. I also sent save the date cards over a year in advance just so my guests would know this well in advance. There are many other days to get married. And if you haven’t gotten married in the last 5 years you would know that Saturdays are the most expensive over priced days for weddings. A weekday wedding with the same frills as a Saturday wedding is 90% less in cost. Be grateful you were invited! Just cause you were invited doesn’t mean you have to say yes! And yes we all have to work but I’m also guessing most people get vacation days?
My last pet peeve that I wished you addressed is the cash bar. It’s disgusting and sorry, I refuse to pay for any drinks at a wedding. If you can’t afford it, just only have wine. Don’t expect people to pay for drinks like they are at a club!
I loved this post Stephania! Is it a great topic for discussion
Is stead of calling them Faux Pas, Perhaps you should just look at your friends a little closer. You know, the ones offending you. You always have the choice not to attend.
Should i ever wed, it will be a wedding that i want.. if someone doesnt like what i have planned.. by all means stay away
I forgot.. There are NO RULES when it comes to weddings.. as far as i know.
The irony of being on a SAVING MONEY website & talking about how tacky it is to try to save money on one of the most expensive (& overpriced) days of your life amuses me greatly.
Mandy: This site lost all “cred” with you? SmartCanucks is not here to impress you, go back to the ghetto, Jane Pittman.
Broke Bridesmaid: I understand what you mean! I cannot believe there are brides who invite friends as bridesmaids and ask them to pay for their own dress, hair & make-up. TACKY. You are the bride, shell out the money or opt for a smaller wedding, YOU are not special.
airguy: You are a virgin and your opinion on this matter is useless. Let the adult women talk and go back to your mom’s basement.
Where I live (southern Alberta) it’s common to have “Wishing Well Available” on wedding invitations, which is probably the least obnoxious way to suggest cash as a present, at least that I can think of. And I still think that’s tacky. I’m of the opinion that even subtly suggesting that you expect a gift is tacky.
Telling a bride that someone else didn’t get an invitation is, in my opinion, overstepping your bounds. It’s a bit meddling.
hi. it’s my first time reading an article on smartcanucks, but i had to say that because i was really offended with some of the comments that said there was a lack of intelligence with people complaining about the original post. For me, i was going to say that while I do agree with some of the faux pas mentioned, what I was really not in agreement with was when it was deemed a faux pas to leave someone off the invite list. Couples have budgets and ‘number of guest’ restrictions for venue, etc., and there may be reasons (similar to the anecdote in a comment above) where people are not invited. I believe it would be even more of a faux pas to assume you know who the couple should invite.
regarding the cash-only scenario, while I agree it may be tacky to spell it out; the couple deserves the right to phrase things or to put hints whether verbally or creatively in an invite to encourage guests to give cash gifts. Not having a registry may not be an indication of cash only, as some couples may not want to be registered as well, but still appreciate gifts.
to prevent people from bringing significant others or kids that are not part of the guest list, its advisable to write # of attendees expected on the response card, so there’s no ambiguity.
lastly, regarding cash bar, now I do agree that it might not be seen in the best light, it’s also an option for a reason. maybe to keep drinks costs down, or to provide other alternatives to the house wines that are served. and to keep guests from being too rowdy, which may not speak about the quality of your friends at all. for our own wedding, we had open bar, but with a budgetary limit agreed between us and the venue, after which it would be last calls.
hope this helps
also, writing “same wedding as number 3”, it gives the impression that it wasn’t a wedding that the author really wanted to go to, given that it seemed to want to target the couple and sound really critical, I don’t think it was necessary to indicate this in order to point out what is deemed a ‘faux pas’. and it may make it easier for people that know the author in real life to pinpoint the couple more easily. if anything, as a courtesy, examples should be given with the goal of making it as anonymous as possible, so not to potentially put others in a bad light. thanks.
Get over it. It is there wedding they can do things like they want when it is your wedding you can do things your way
When i got married, DH and I wanted a small wedding, I did have some ppl ask me why so and so didn’t get their invitation. My response was that it is my wedding, if they didn’t get an invitation then they were not invited. (A lot of ppl thought i should have invited all of my SIL family b/c i know them, i know my mail man, but he didn’t get an invite either) I find it rude to ask why someone else didn’t get an invite.
As far as asking for cash i don’t think it’s bad. I asked for gift cards. Dh and I had already bought a house, by the time we got married, and I was pregnant at our wedding, So in lieu of a baby shower we used the wedding money to buy baby stuff. (car seat, crib, diapers etc) Everyone thought it was a great idea.
Did I miss why everyone is so riled up? Mandy, not sure how long you’ve followed Smart Canucks but we’ve been posting off topics and opinion topics since 2006. As for removed comments, yes swearing is NOT acceptable. Otherwise your comment is probably in moderation. Sometimes if you have an odd domain email it might auto spam. I am always available to look into either issue.
Yes, this site has been posting off topic “opinions” for quite some time. But they haven’t always been so poorly written or researched nor have they been posted by someone who is just out to offend people on purpose. THAT is the complaint people are having.
Great topic. While reading the responses, it made me rethink some of my ideas. My pet peeve is when people bring their utterly bored children to weddings and expect them to behave for hours and listen to dull speeches. Stay away altogether or get a babysitter.
This reminds me of an invitation I recieved from a very good friend, it went:
“We have just about two of everything as we move into our new house together, so please just give cash as your gift.”
Hmmm… First, a ‘gift’ is just that, don’t assume. Second, you have “two of everything”…do you even need a gift? And almost demanding that it will be cash?
Very poor form in my opinion.
Tie
Sorry, this was obviously written by his future, now present, wife.