A Message From the Queen to Citizens of the USA

I came across this on That British Woman’s blog. I found it very funny. It’s just a joke so please don’t take it seriously:-)

A Message From the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

21 responses to “A Message From the Queen to Citizens of the USA”

  1. Gill says:

    Glad you found it funny, I personally found it very, very funny, but then I’m British!!!! Also if you liked that one, here is another one that you may find amusing: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?view=DETAILS&grid=&xml=/education/2008/09/23/fadulwichmum123.xml

    Thanks for mentioning my blog…….


  2. dealsniffer says:

    this is hilarious!!!! I must share this with my family! Whoever came up with this-they should give themselves a pat on the back!!!

  3. Olena says:

    Thanks for a good laugh

  4. Moe in Ontario says:

    Funny Stuff . . . American Satire is a Smart, Informed Canuck’s right of passage, if we can’t screw with our neighbour . . . ? This Hour skits & US Satire were all Awesome & this runs the same line,

    Thanks for the smirk & chuckle

  5. rachel says:

    Another brit here,very funny…bit of a computer dummy so can someone please tell me if there is a way of e-mailing this…..Thanks

  6. ka7qur says:

    very amusing. hope the americans dont get offended too much hehe

  7. T.E.W says:

    Love this — how come I didn’t know about this blog?

  8. Denise says:

    I’m American and I found it funny!

  9. Aequitas says:

    This is a Jon Cleese original, just for crediting purposes.

    Awesome though.

  10. Teddy Levine says:


  11. Observer says:

    Rachel – if you highlight the entire message (from the first word to the last) *to highlight you point the mouse at the starting point, click and keep your finger on the mouse until the end point*
    After you have the entire message highlighted, click the right button on your mouse and then click copy. Open your email and in the body where you would write your message, right click and then click paste. It should appear!

  12. johnnyreb says:

    Andy McDowell played an american without an english accent in 4 weddings. WTF – at least watch the movie

  13. Rick says:

    We, Americans, are slowly but not too happily getting used to the fact that we are not the top dog anymore. I loved the satire.

  14. Jason says:

    I am am American,and I will speak for what I think, which is that probably most Americans would not notice until it already happened.

  15. I was reading something else about this on another blog. Interesting. Your perspective on it is diametrically contradicted to what I read before. I am still mulling over the various points of view, but I’m leaning to a great extent toward yours. And no matter, that’s what is so superb about modernized democracy and the marketplace of thoughts online.

  16. cool tattoos says:

    We ought to all realize that quality blog is become lesser and lesser as there are numerous new blog pop up on earth wide each day. Something it is complicated to locate a trusted blog which the content are of high quality yet bring up very good point. I would acquire valuable material by reading on good quality post which aid to enhance my know-how on this field.

  17. karamba says:

    It’s interesting to see that, I saw that too, good article, I will follow you !

  18. pari turf says:

    it’s brilliant! thanks for sharing the message, i had a good laugh

  19. P Mahony says:

    I a an American and I feel a profound sense of relief that someone is taking us over and we will, henceforth, not have to spend $2,000,000,000 on stupid ads. This will free up television time so that there will be time to air reruns of The West Wing.

    Hail Brittiania (sp?) and long live the Queen (but only if Prince Phillip is really her successor. If William will be elevated to King upon the death of Queen Elizabeth, then, may she go to her grave whenever it suits her..

  20. Morley says:

    I wish it were possible to have their independence revoked. The world would be a better place.


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